From Burnout to Self-Permission: My Projector Awakening

It started with a casual conversation at work about astrology. A guest mentioned Human Design, and while I'd heard of it before, I'd never gone deeper into understanding what it really meant. But something about that conversation stuck with me, so I went home that night and decided to dive in.

I discovered I was a Projector. For those of you who don't know what Human Design is, it's like your energetic blueprint. It shows how you're wired to move through the world. It shows how you make decisions, use your energy, and connect with others. There are five types: Manifestors (initiators who make things happen), Generators and Manifesting Generators (the doers with sustainable energy), Projectors (guides who are meant to direct and manage others), and Reflectors (mirrors of their environment). Knowing your type is just the beginning. The real power is learning how to live it.

As a Projector, We make up about 20% of the population and am designed to guide and direct others, but we are not meant to initiate or work in the traditional "hustle" way like Generators do. Generators have that sustainable, consistent energy to work and produce, they're designed to respond to life and keep going. But Projectors like me are supposed to wait for invitations and recognition, and we have a completely different relationship with energy.

My Specific Design: A 4/6 with Splenic Authority

When I looked deeper into my chart, everything clicked. I'm a 4/6 profile "The Influencer" designed to build networks and share wisdom through personal connections. I have Splenic Authority, which means my gut instincts are meant to guide me in the moment. My strongest channels are Spontaneity, Authenticity, and Beauty. My signature theme is Success, and when I'm out of alignment, I feel Bitterness.

That bitterness? I've been swimming in it for years.

The Spleen Knows Everything

Looking back, my spleen was trying to protect me the whole time, but I'd been conditioned to think chaos was normal and peace was suspicious. Most people in my life didn't feel safe, and I found myself walking toward danger because it was what I was used to growing up it felt normal. When I was in situations that felt calm, it felt uneasy because I wasn't used to peace.

I didn't realize my gut was guiding me the whole time. I ignored it because I thought I was being a prude or boring, not knowing I was walking myself into constant danger. The friendships I thought were solid were actually people who secretly and blatantly hated and were jealous of me. But because of my low self-esteem at the time, I couldn't fathom anyone being jealous of me. Many situations I was in from dating to work my life was just a whole entire mess. I lived for the chaos even though I secretly craved peace. I just had no idea what that looked like.

The 4/6 Suppressed

As a 4/6, I was always an inquisitive child, designed to influence and share wisdom through connections. But I just didn't have the right authority around me to bring it out of me. When I spoke my mind or stated my boundaries or preferences, I was called ungrateful. My boundaries were crossed because I wasn't respected by my elders as a child having my own autonomy and mindset.

It was controlled because I came from a family who lacked boundaries and respect for one another, and I grew up in a neighborhood that was the same. Being bullied was huge. So I didn't feel like I could be myself safely around other people. The only time I could fully be me was when I was alone.

Even to this day, I feel safer alone than when I am around other people. Everyone always wants to tell me what they think I should do, how to act, and how to make them feel comfortable. So I mainly choose to stay alone. But this goes against my 4/6 design, which is meant for connection except I can only have authentic connections when people can actually see and appreciate who I really am, not when they're trying to control me.

Living Like a Generator: The Destruction of My Channels

My three strongest channels are Spontaneity, Authenticity, and Beauty I have been under constant attack by trying to live like a Generator.

Spontaneity destroyed by structure: My spontaneous flow wants to move when it's time to move, do what feels right in the moment. But I'm trapped in jobs that force me to show up whether I want to or not. Right now I'm working a job that has me stuck in this robotic energy where I'm not supposed to have emotions and I have to perform for people, be a people pleaser for a living in hospitality. The conflict between needing to make money and wanting to move spontaneously in life is killing this part of me.

Authenticity buried under performance: Because I never felt safe around other people, I go straight into performative mode when I am around others, and it becomes extremely draining. Hence why I prefer to just do my own thing. I was designed to be authentic and influence through genuine connection, but instead I learned that being myself wasn't safe.

Beauty suppressed: I love fashion and looking beautiful. I love when I get dressed and look amazing and just show up being fabulous, minding my own business and just being myself. This isn't vanity - this is one of my core channels trying to express itself. But in a world that demands constant productivity, taking time to be beautiful and enjoy beauty feels like a luxury I can't afford.

The Generator Trap vs. Projector Success

Living like a Generator has been the most draining, depressing, exhausting way of life. When you don't know who you are, you think you're supposed to live like whoever you look up to grind, hustle, become who you envision you want to become. But Generators have sustainable energy to work and produce. I don't.

Every time I tried to initiate something, it blew up in my face. Like when I wanted to be a travel agent and joined an MLM. I had this intuitive sense that I wanted clients to come to me naturally, but I was pushed into doing things like a Generator - constantly initiating and hustling. That person mentoring me didn't understand how I operated and wasn't a good fit for my growth. I lost interest because I was being forced into a mold that didn't fit me.

The hyperfixation cycles were the worst. I'd dive deep into learning something, burning through my energy, but then my ability to see systems and patterns would kick in. I'd start seeing all the flaws and contradictions, questioning what's the point of it all. But here's what I realize now I wasn't learning because I was genuinely called to it. I was learning because I thought I had to change careers or monetize something. I hate feeling like I'm working, and I was turning even my curiosity into another form of that Generator hustle.

True Success: Alone and Authentic

My signature theme is Success, but not achievement, the feeling of being seen and valued for who I am. Because I never felt safe around other people, the moments I feel genuine success are when I'm traveling alone, doing my own thing, being in my own solitude and space where I'm not around people constantly trying to police my every move.

That's when I feel seen and valued, because I value myself and see my own worth. When I'm alone and can express my Spontaneity, Authenticity, and Beauty without having to manage anyone else's expectations or comfort - that's alignment.

The Bitterness of Being Misunderstood

We've been brainwashed to believe that when you're doing what you love, it won't feel like work. It's complete bullshit and just another way to trick you into the grind. We've become slaves to the things we love because that's what work is: slavery. Once I understood this, I became disgusted with anything that feels like work.

But here's the real revolution for me as a Projector: I don't want to offer the world anything. I want to offer myself permission to be myself. I don't owe the world shit. I owe it to me - to stop being so hard on myself and just enjoy Kela.

For someone whose Splenic Authority has been telling her to run from unsafe people her whole life, whose 4/6 gifts have been suppressed and controlled, whose Spontaneity, Authenticity, and Beauty have been forced into Generator productivity just being myself is radical enough.

The most important discovery isn't finding my purpose or passion or way to serve others. It's learning to trust my spleen, honor my need for authentic connections or solitude, and let my natural channels flow without forcing them into someone else's timeline.

That's what living my design actually looks like.